Sometimes they just let you know...

Kids are funny like that.  You could be having a horrible day with them.  A day filled with defiance, sibling fighting, time-outs and tantrums.

...and then they surprise you.

While I was tucking her and her sister in, Sophia was hard at work in her bed drawing on a pad of paper.  By the look on her face I could tell that whatever she was working on was not going to be worth the fight to get her to stop and go to sleep.  I told her she could have 5 minutes to finish and then she would have to go to sleep.  She agreed and five minutes later she came running out or her room to give me this...

These are the little moments that they forget to tell you about.  

You know them when they happen...  A simple unprompted hug, or an "I love you, Daddy".

...and like tonight, sometimes they really surprise you.  

Sometimes they just let you know that you're doing it right...

The 3 P's of Paternity

Patience... Presence... and Partnership...

P #1 - Patience:

Everyone knows that you're supposed to be patient with your children. I consider it to be one of those, "Well, duh!" things that you just do. Kids require it because having a child will often prove to be one of the most frustrating things you will ever do in life. Here's the catch, it's not just the child that you need to be patient with. It's yourself. You have to have the patience to allow yourself to learn to be a good father. Even if you've read all the parenting books in the world, the first time you hold that little baby in your arms you will realize that all of that information gathering was just academic and you know how to apply absolutely NONE OF IT! Don't panic, get centered, and be patient with yourself. Nobody is born a good parent... you have to learn it... and earn it.

P #2 - Partnership:

You don't raise a child by yourself. Even if you're a widower you've still got people who will be a part of your child's life. The child's mother, grand-parents, step-mother, nanny, teacher, Aunts, Uncles, etc. All of these people are in partnership with you to raise your child and like it or not you need them; you can't do it alone. So, listen to them, call them for help... your child will thank you for it. Often times these people love your child almost as much as you do; let them show it. I've always said that my daughters receive so much love from everyone they know that they have to give it away to everyone that they meet.

P #3 - Presence:

You have to "be there".  Because without "presence" the rest of it falls apart. Doctor's appointments, parent-teacher conferences, story-time, dinner time... etc.  But, you can't just show up... you've got to participate.  I don't know how many times I've seen a father out with their kids and they're on their phone.  The kid usually looks really bored and more often than not manages to get him or herself in trouble by trying to engage dad in a conversation while he is on his phone.  Let's face facts.  Those guys are just going through the motions and if you try an call them on it they will launch into some tirade about how they're too busy and they work hard to provide and the kids should be grateful for this time.  My answer is simply this, don't you think your child would rather you worked a little less and spent more time with them.  I'm going to go a little off track here, but we've become a culture that centers our lives around the accumulation of "stuff"... and it's killing us.  You really want to know the secret of what is killing the so-called "American Family"... it's this culture of greed.  We value the things we can buy more than the people that surround us.  It's sad.

... anyway... Back to my point, turn the phone off, take the damn bluetooth thingie out of your ear and put in a little effort.  You'll be grateful you did.  Being present and participating is not just for your child's benefit; it's for yours as well. It builds and strengthens your relationship with your child and you cannot put a value on that.

Putting the "Father" in "Single Father"

So here's a question for you...

What is the definition of a "single father"?

Hold that thought for a moment and let's focus on "single parents" as a whole for a minute.

Being a single parent often means different things to different people.  When you picture a single parent what do you see?  If you're like me (and most other people, I assume) you picture a young woman with kids... strong and tough as nails... she works hard to provide for her kids and very often does so with a minimal amount of support from the father of her children... My mom was one of those women for a time.  So, is this the norm?  It's certainly what society and the media would have you believe.  Single parenting on television and in the movies is primarily the domain of women.  What's even more interesting is that almost all single fathers portrayed in the media are widowers.  As if to make the assumption that no father would willingly take on the role of single parent were it not for the death of their partner.  I'm sorry, but I'm calling shenanigans on that one!

I consider myself a single parent and I know that there are a lot of men out there, who feel the same way.  That being said, I don't have primary custody of either of my kids.  I share custody equally... 50%... right down the middle; and while not common, half/half custody is increasing in frequency.  Especially now that men are really beginning to take their role as a parent a lot more seriously.  I won't deny the fact that I have an ex-wife that is a willing parenting partner, a very good mom, and has no desire to begrudge me my time with my kids.  In that respect and all things considered... I am fortunate.

So... what is a "single father"?

It's me and guys like me... it's single guys who put the effort into being a parent; even if the time they get to spend with their children is minimal.  That's the key right there... effort.  You've got to want it.  You've got to make the decision that regardless of the situation, you are going to step up and be a parent 100% off the time... even if you don't get that much time.

What did you call me?

Dad... Daddy... Dada...
I've been all of those over the last few years since becoming a parent. Now that I find myself in the position of "single parent" I've begun to wonder if I've got this whole "Daddy" thing figured yet or am I still just fumbling my way through it.

We've all heard the old saying...

"Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy."

But, what does it really mean?  Where is that line between "father" and "dad" and when you do find it how do you cross it?

Me back in 2005 diving into fatherhood

So it is my goal, for however long it takes, to bring all of you with me on my journey through fatherhood. To see if we can figure out together what it really means to be called, "Daddy". I'm no authority on parenting. I'm just a guy with two amazing kids and a hope to raise them right.